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“Great relationships seldom fail. Bad ones do, as they should.”

Gary Lewandoski, PhD

\nI often write posts with the intention of alerting women to red flags in dating and relationships. I emphasize the strategic importance of filtering to reduce the risk of bad outcomes. But I’d never want to find a way to eliminate all disappointment or even heartbreak. They serve an important purpose.\n\nDating is how we shop for a life partner. Serial monogamy is like a giant dressing room where we can try people on for size to see if we’re compatible for the long haul. We need to keep looking until we find that person with whom we have sexual chemistry, emotional intimacy and friendship based on shared values. That’s a lot to ask for!\n\nWhile it’s possible you’ll strike it rich the first time out, most people today marry after gaining some experience. A recent study in the UK found:\n

The average woman will kiss 15 men, enjoy two long-term relationships and have her heartbroken twice before she meets ‘The One’.
She will also suffer four disaster dates and be stood up once.
She will have been in love twice, lived with one ex-partner and had four one night stands.

\nIn comparison, men face being stood up twice and having six one night stands before they meet their ideal partner.\n\nYou know that saying that if you’re not getting any rejections, you’re not trying hard enough? It’s the same with heartbreak. If you’ve never gotten your heart broken, you’re probably not trying hard enough to find love. You’re not out there enough, asking for enough or risking enough.\n

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\nFor most of us, some heartbreak is inevitable. While we can’t plan for it, we can mentally prepare for heartbreak by understanding it as a normal rite of passage and valuable experience.\n\nPhilosopher David Whyte writes about heartbreak in his book Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words. Here’s an excerpt from the site Brain Pickings:\n

“HEARTBREAK is unpreventable; the natural outcome of caring for people and things over which we have no control…\n\nHeartbreak begins the moment we are asked to let go but cannot, in other words, it colors and inhabits and magnifies each and every day; heartbreak is not a visitation, but a path that human beings follow through even the most average life.\n\nHeartbreak is an indication of our sincerity: in a love relationship, in a life’s work, in trying to learn a musical instrument, in the attempt to shape a better more generous self. Heartbreak is the beautifully helpless side of love and affection and is [an] essence and emblem of care…\n\nHeartbreak is how we mature; yet we use the word heartbreak as if it only occurs when things have gone wrong: an unrequited love, a shattered dream… But heartbreak may be the very essence of being human, of being on the journey from here to there, and of coming to care deeply for what we find along the way.\n\nThere is almost no path a human being can follow that does not lead to heartbreak.\n\n…Heartbreak asks us not to look for an alternative path, because there is no alternative path. It is an introduction to what we love and have loved, an inescapable and often beautiful question, something and someone that has been with us all along, asking us to be ready for the ultimate letting go.”

\nOne study looked at undergraduates who had recently suffered a traumatic breakup. The lead author of the study summed up the surprising results for Loveawake dating site:\n

“The first finding of interest was that every single participant listed some positive life changes as a result of their breakup and there were on average five positive changes reported following these breakups.\n\nSome examples of the positive changes included feeling more confident, independent, or closer to their friends or family following the breakup.”

\nResearchers at St. Louis University say that our brains are wired to help us move on after we’ve been kicked to the curb:\n

“We have a mechanism in our brains designed by natural selection to pull us through a very tumultuous time in our lives,’ said Professor Brian Boutwell of Saint Louis University.\n\nIt suggests people will recover; the pain will go away with time. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel.\n\n…A person might initially pursue their old mate — in an attempt to win back their affection. However, if pursuit is indeed fruitless, then the brains of individuals may act to correct certain emotions and behaviors, paving the way for people to become attracted to new mates and form new relationships.”

\nIn other words, heartbreak is supposed to happen. It’s a mechanism to help ensure high quality pairings. Of course, not everyone experiences breakups or heartbreak in the same way. For example, the ability to grow from the experience is correlated with the personality trait of agreeableness.\n\nIn her NYXs article The Best Way to Get Over a Breakup, Anna North describes a study of 210 brokenhearted people ages 17-29. Researchers Sabarra and Larson split them into two groups, one of which talked about feelings several times over a nine week period. They found that the group that had verbally expressed their feelings and thoughts gained more self-understanding than the control group.\n

The speaking exercise helped people, he explained, because “it improved their sense of self independent of their former partner.”\n\nThat improved sense of self, in turn, led to reductions in loneliness and “emotional intrusion.” As for why the exercise worked, Dr. Sbarra has a few theories. “There is a degree of habituation that takes place as you are repeatedly thinking and talking about the process” of a breakup, he said. “You defang it a little bit.”\n\nAnd, he added, hearing yourself say something may prove revelatory. He imagines a subject’s internal monologue: “I didn’t know I seemed to be getting better until I said I seemed to be getting better. I must be getting better.”

\nSo heartbreak offers opportunities for personal growth and learning. That sounds like small compensation for despair, but keep in mind that the experience is leading you to someone better, a higher quality relationship.\n\nPsychology professor Gary Lewandoski can say it much better than I can. In this TED talk he discusses what we feel and how we should respond when we here those dreaded words “We need to talk.” Trust me, this video is worth 11 minutes of your time.\n

Dr. Gary Lewandowski, Jr., professor of psychology at Monmouth University, makes the case that if your relationship doesn’t help you become a better person, ending it does. Leaving a bad relationship provides an opportunity for growth and learning.

\n\nI’ve experienced heartbreak, and looking back on it, these are some of the benefits I realized as a result of that breakup:\n

I learned that I was too young at 21 to know what I wanted in a husband.
I learned that you should never become involved with a man who’s cheated in his past.
I learned that people who rely on charm instead of hard work make bad relationship partners.
I learned that when actions and words don’t match up, actions win. Saying “I love you” does not make up for distancing behaviors.
It gave me the nudge I needed to kickstart my life in a new direction.
When I met my husband, his character was a shining example by comparison and I knew I’d found someone great.

\nBy the way, that guy went on to cheat on his future wife with someone in his office, which got him fired. He was a handsome wreck of a human being, and I dodged a bullet for sure. Whew.\n\nHave you had your heart broken? How did it affect your sense of self? Did anything good come out of it?","has_starred","hub_user","immutable_tags_settings",{"_67":11,"_68":69},"enabled","rules",[70],".*","is_automated","permissions",{"_74":17,"_75":11,"_76":11},"read","write","admin","user","storage_size","orgData","recentTags",[],"sbxKitMetadata","isPotentialSpam","isHubSbxKitsEnabled","showSbxLogoOverride","sbxTrademarkText","displaySecurityMetadata","tagAttestations","tagsHaveAttestations",[],"routes/_layout.r.$namespace.$reponame._index",{"_93":-5,"_94":-5,"_32":-5},"org","repoPullsData","actionData","errors"]

“Great relationships seldom fail. Bad ones do, as they should.”

Gary Lewandoski, PhD

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